I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
