I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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