My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
