On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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