This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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