I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
