Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
