I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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