He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
