I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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