FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
