I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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