I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I want to fling myself into the sun
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize