Having a random hookup so left but love u
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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