chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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