i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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