i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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