God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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