She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
