Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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