so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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