you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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