We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
