im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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