I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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