Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
