After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
