My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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