I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
