everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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