She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
