FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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