do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
why do cheetos always look like penises
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
