the condom got lost in my hair
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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