She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
