I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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