and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
