Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
