just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
