Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
