i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
