I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
