Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
