a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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