the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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