genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
