Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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