im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I will pee on everything he values.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
