you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
