eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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