how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize