there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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