if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
