I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
