Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
