He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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