Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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