I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
