I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
