I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize