my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
