I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I currently don't understand fingers.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
