I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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