If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
