no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
